May they be bitten by an army of ants

My family and a large group of our friends made our 3rd annual trip to Montauk (I know, not exactly the Hamptons) and observed some less than considerate behavior.

We were staying at the Royal Atlantic and watched a group of roughly 15 people pick up hotel lounge chairs, and like a well orchestrated army of ants, transport them down to the beach on their backs, in their arms , etc.

As they clogged up the entrance to the beach they could be heard commenting, "We're probably not supposed to bring these down to the beach but I saw some down here yesterday and they were back by the pool this morning."

Later on, and as I expected, most of the group marched back up to the hotel and left their Great Wall of Chairs on the beach. While a few members of the group lingered on the beach nearby, they watched two staff members make about 15 trips back and forth to the beach in 90 degree plus heat and humidity (as told to me by one of the women in my group that happened to be on her balcony overlooking the beach).

- D

Kindergarten Cops

Sitting in a popular East Hampton restaurant last night my wife and I got to watch and listen to two obnoxious young men and a young UNDERAGE woman hassle the wait staff and manager about a fake ID.

The young women produced an ID and couldn't answer a single question about her supposedly valid drivers license. She looked like she was 12. At this point the staff did the right thing and told her she wasn't going to be served.
I guess the girl was so embarrassed that she left the restaurant, but the men started to hassle the staff even more.

"Do you know who we are?" they asked.

"We came from Westhampton."

The staff made no reply and kept their composures.

Finally the rude duo left to go to another bar where they thought the would be served.

Did these idiots really think a crowded, popular E.H. restaurant would risk being fined for serving alcohol to them?  Besides I can guarantee the rest of the clientèle was relieved to not have to rub shoulders with children on their Saturday night.
- KJ

WTF on the LIRR

My friend and I were taking the train back from the city when the following conversation occurred between two gentleman a few seats ahead of us.

"Ugh...f***ing train...Y'know what I hate? Those f***ing people who sit on the f***ing trains and make out!"

"Oh- I know! They are so f***ing annoying! It's like, get a f***ing room! Who are you to disturb my f***ing train ride?"

"Y'know that f***ing column in the paper, about f***ers who f***ing piss people off in the train? We should f***ing submit our story to those f***ers."

I've probably left some choice words out, but, needless to say, my friend and I were flabbergasted. Disturb your ride? How dare they!

-S

Your horn might cause my car to disappear

On my way out to the Hamptons last Friday I stopped for gas in Manorville. As Mobil was jam packed with cars I opted for 7-11 thinking I would gas up quickly and be on my way.

I pulled up to the 2nd pump and began to fill up. The car ahead of me was also gassing up. When I was done and ready to go I saw that I could not pull forward as the car ahead had still not completed his gas transaction. My only option then would be to throw the car in reverse and back out. However, when I checked my rear view I noticed a rather expensive car had backed the rear of his car inches away from me, trapping me at the 7-11 gas pump.

How pray tell did he think any of us were going to escape?

So though I hate the horn, I gave it a tap and waited. Nothing happened. Well what course of action did I have but to put the car in reverse and be ready to move? It seemed to work wonders because said expensive car charged away with lightning speed allowing me to reverse and be on my way.

So at least the debacle ended quickly and with no further calamities.

-Trapped at 7-11

Aggressive territorial behavior at Indian Wells

My wife and I were enjoying a day at Indian Wells last summer. After walking down to the left of the ABA beach club we sat down with about a ten foot buffer zone around our two chairs and umbrella. We weren't on waterfront beach property about three rows back from the shoreline.

At someone point a few people showed up and sat down in our buffer zone. They were loud and broke out some beer from their cooler.

Next thing we know about ten other people show up. They proceeded to wedge themselves into the space around us.

At one point a woman sitting behind my wife started moving my wife's beach chair with her feet. She called her out on it. To this she said, "Sorry."

I headed down for a dunk in the ocean. I came back and some toolbox was now sitting on one of our towels proceeding to try and hit on my wife. She sent him packing, but he didn't get off the towel. That changed when I returned.

- Surrounded by idiots

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The Editor

Clearly you don't look rich enough to shop here

I was told this story last night while watching the Devon fireworks.

The new linen store in East Hampton was having some type of party or gathering and a lady who normally bikes around town decided to stop in and take a look.

Now from what I'm told she can easily afford to buy what this shop is selling.

She's browsing the linens and feeling a particular sheet when one of the staff walks up and says something to the effect of, "you know that's really expensive, you shouldn't be touching that."

The lady shopping was so stunned she replied, "I can afford to buy this."

Please note: these quotes are not verbatim, but the act of judging this shopper based on her dress is rude. Maybe if she drove up on the curb with a Benz or Hummer she'd be allowed to touch the merchandise?


- The Editor

Once there were six now there are three

This is personal post from me, The Editor, regarding rude corporate behavior on the Amagansett beaches.

On June 2nd a Ralph Lauren cologne related entity setup for a photo shoot on an Amagansett beach. On this same beach there also happened to be 6 pairs of Piping Plovers nesting.

Piping Plovers are a protected species. There are fences around their nesting areas, fireworks are canceled and rescheduled to avoid bothering them. Ralph Lauren proceeded to setup extremely close to the birds' nesting areas with a large tent structure.

Worse than that though, six Land Rovers were seen speeding up and down the beach. Newspaper articles quote that they were doing 50 miles per hour.

Irregardless of whether they really were going 50, the speed limit on the beaches is 15 miles per hour.

There was also a lack of required permits- no permit for the beach and no permit for filming. They did have a fire permit for the tent. (Source: East Hampton Star)

To top it off, there are now apparently only three pairs left.  The aggressive driving and tent structures scared off the other three.

Locals are upset, the Town Trustees want action taken against Ralph Lauren. The federal and state officials don't seem to want to do ANYTHING.

Even if the state and federal governments don't do a thing, Ralph Lauren should repent and give a sizable donation to one of the many nature preservation organizations on the East End.

If you want send an email to their customer service department and let them know your thoughts - CustomerAssistance@RalphLauren.com

- The Editor

BYOM - Bring your own muffin

I was in the Candy Kitchen politely waiting for a booth or counter spot. Needless to say an older woman jumped the line and ordered a cup of coffee.

While I was still in shock over the blatant disregard for the social order of the eatery, she pulled a muffin out of her pocket and asked if they could toast it for her.

- Stunned and still waiting in line

Four Simple Tips To Avoid Dying and other Personal Calamities

Ah yes, that lovely time of year we call Memorial Day is once again upon us. Here are some lovely tips to our day trippers, weekenders, three or four monthers, etc, as this time of year can surely become rather dangerous to anyone and everyone.

Tip One:

Summer, when a Sunday drive before church becomes an adrenaline-fueled game of chicken with 3-50 bicyclists, riding side by side down our scenic "country" roads. Wearing unflatteringly tight spandex of a plethora of clashing fluorescent epilepsy-inducing colors, they have a tendency to dive in and out of oncoming traffic like crazed deer at the sight of headlights. That double yellow line running down the middle of the road is not intended as a bicycle lane, my friend, and those loud greenhouse gas inducing objects coming at you or honking madly as you slow down traffic do indeed have front bumpers for a reason.

Tip Two:

A warm, inviting Friday night on the town can also have its hazards. What should be a stroll through the crosswalk of Main Street on your way to a ten-fifty it-better-be-good movie becomes a race for your life, since the signal for pedestrians to walk safely has an average lifespan of about 1.26534 seconds. Perhaps that little green man should be edited, because to me he looks like he's walking, not sprinting the fifty yard dash. Stop lights are not a mere suggestion for a Lexus or a Mercedes, you are just as obligated to stop as that landscaper truck waiting next to you.

For those who have failed to translate the little sign that reads "Yield to pedestrians", in English it means "For the Love of God Don't Hit That Person Crossing The Street!!"

Tip Three:

It is not considered polite or professional to curse and then spit at the young lady or gentleman who made your lunch at one of our many local food establishments, while calling her an idiot because she put iceberg lettuce on your tree bark and tofu sandwich instead of romaine. Think about it, do you REALLY want to eat food that was made or remade by a person who is secretly wishing to hit you with a crow bar? I wouldn't.

Tip Four:

Have you ever wondered why, after entering a quiet local bar and ordering a tutti frutti razzle dazzle drink that involves being mixed drop by drop, shaken exactly 37 and a half times, poured into a champagne flute and then topped with an umbrella and a three foot yellow twisty straw (Hold the cherry), that you get laughed at and possibly assaulted before the end of the night? That's because you've entered an establishment of normal, average people. If you want something fancy that tastes like pixie sticks, go to one of those places where you have to pay to snort flavored oxygen. You're the reason why a simple beer in a bottle is a whopping five dollars.

Here's to another Summer in The Hamptons, and I hope you take these kind words of advice and cherish them, to make this season as happy as the last.

-E

Mommy what does bullcrap mean?

A woman bellowing loud enough into her cell phone to be heard from the Cooper's Beach overpriced hot dog stand all the way down to the lifeguard stand. This - the day before July 4th - today.

"No you SOB -- I told you I was picking the kids up tonight for the birthday party! "That's Bullcrap - yes she actually said bullcrap -- not the saltier version of the word - maybe just trying to be polite with the hoards of children around her listening to her post-marital bloviating

She goes on and on on what a lowlife, bottom dwelling scum her ex husband is - screeching at the top of her lungs - actually bumps into and nearly knocks over someone else's child on the way to the parking lot to continue her screech-fest (very considerate) ..and didn't stop talking as she ignored the child she bumped.

Do people - especially Southamptonites - have a clue they can be overheard on their cell phone. Other overheard LOUD cell phone conversations on the beach -- people discussing salaries - multimillion dollar confidential deals -- talking trash about easily recognizable people. All thinking they are in the privacy of their home.

Astonished on Coopers....

Tax Free Coffees

I stop in the Hess station the other day for smokes and two women are arguing with the cashier that they are some sort of non profit organization, they don't have to pay tax for their two cups of coffee. The clerk, will not comply with their demand, and the two women leave the coffee sitting on the counter and storm out.

If these women were really ligit they would have a NY State tax ID number. Then while I am watching this fiasco, another women picks up a 12 pack of Pepsi and walks out the front door with it. I pointed this theft out to the cashier and she just laughs.

What a zoo!

-B

Supermarket Line Shim-Sham

Shopping for groceries at King Kullen.

First, plant your husband in line.

Then shop.

Then try and push your cart ahead of me to get up to your husband at the front of the line.

Then watch me say, "I'm sorry, the back of the line is there."

Then try and push anyway.

Then listen to me say, "you know, some other day, I might actually let you break into the line, but not today. I really have to pee."

-B

No parking spaces - use the curb

The strangest part about this story is that it happened in the off season - go figure.

My friends and I were enjoying pizza at Fierros in town, when some idiot pulls his Benz up on the sidewalk, thats right, the sidewalk alongside the exit lane to Reutershan lot. He walks in, as if parking on the sidewalk is totally fine. One of the locals, as well as the guys behind the counter start to explain nicely to this guy that he can't park on the sidewalk, but he ignores them and pays for the pizza he had come to pick up.

A local guy (who was much bigger than the antagonist of this story) starts to get a little aggressive, giving the guy a little grief for his absurd act. The idiot tries to ignore him, then turns to leave and mutters "What are you gonna do about it?" We were all too dumbfounded to speak.

This shows were not safe from idiots like this, even in the off season. I hope he choked on his pizza.

-B

Pass on the left it's safer

I was in the left hand turn lane to turn off 27 (near the post office). The light was green but there was a lot of oncoming traffic. I was waiting for my turn and just as it occurred, the black truck behind me PASSED me on the left (going over the double yellow into the oncoming traffic lane) and made the turn ahead of me. I just missed turning into him. My shock leaves me wondering where rudeness borders on dangerous.

Oh, I missed my chance and had to wait for 10 more cars before I could go.

-E

Hamptons Magazine Causes Parking Lot Traffic Jam

I was driving through the main parking lot behind Walbaums, etc, where painted white arrows clearly mark which direction you are supposed to be driving when heading down the parking lanes. I was carefully headed in the correct direction, when I needed to pass someone who was waiting for a spot. As I pulled around, someone was coming in the other direction, just at the beginning of the lane basically sitting on the arrow pointing towards the back of their car. I tried to tell him he needed to back up so traffic could move.

Instead, he made some gestures, then opened a Hamptons Magazine and sat their and read it while me, and everyone behind me, waited for the other car to pull into the space.

This delayed everyone, just so this guy could 'win' by driving in the wrong direction.

What a rude idiot!

-C

Winning Country Driving Techniques

What is it with these Weekenders and Summerpeople that renders them incapable of remaining in their lane when negotiating a left-bending road?

No curved roads in The City or SOTH (south of the highway)?
I live in Northwest Woods and it seems that as soon as summer begins, I have to be on High Alert when I am driving on our beautiful back roads, especially when I am entering a right-bending turn. These nimrods seem to be oblivious that, in addition of other motor vehicles, there are joggers, cyclists, and walkers on these roads. My wife's most-often used advice/admonishment is if you don't drive during the week, leave your car home when you come Out East.

-T

Call Of The Wild Taxi

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm enjoying a brew after hanging out under my car all day and a lazy All Hamptons taxi driver has turned around in my driveway twice now and continues to drive by the neighbors house honking his horn looking for his fare!!

Why can't this guy get out of the car and knock on the damn door?!

- B

Please stop squeezing the bagels

I was at Schmidt's and there was a man there with 3 kids buying bagels. One of the kids points out what bagel he wanted. So the father grabs the bagel without a tong and puts it in the bag.

Kid says, "I don't want that one." The grabs the bagel out with his hands and puts it back. Then proceeds to grab and put back three different bagels.

- No Bagels for me today